The Exasperated Life

Raising kids is one of the greatest responsibilities most people will ever face. The impact parents have on their kids is usually greater than most parents can appreciate day by day. To a great degree, when children become adults the product is the sum of parental input. When you look around at the messed up people in the world you have to wonder what kind of parenting was offered to them. We have to be wise and forward thinking about how we raise kids because the implications are far reaching.

Ephesians 6:4 provides an interesting insight for us. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." The word "exasperate" is an interesting choice by the NIV translators. Most translations use the word "provoke." Paul warns fathers that their parental leadership style, while well meaning, might cause their children to feel exasperated or provoked. I want to look at this from a couple of applicational viewpoints.

First, everything parents do or say concerning their children will produce some kind of fruit. Children will have feelings about what their parents do or do not do. And the children will behave in a certain way based on those feelings. If the child feels like they are backed into a corner there will be some kind of response to go with those feelings. Children are impulsive, not known for thinking things through. Provoking or exasperating them isn't going to produce a positive outcome. Training and instructing children, on the other hand, is the method that has a far better chance for success.

Second, there is a huge contrast between these two models. The parent who exasperates is usually trying to manipulate the child and get them to comply. It focuses on the quickest possible way to achieve compliance. The teaching model is not as much focused on compliance as it is on formation of knowledge, skill and character. It has a "long game" focus. Exasperation will achieve compliance for some time until the child has finally had enough and acts out on those feelings, particularly in their teens. The teaching model might not seem to get results as quickly, but when the child does comply they are more likely to incorporate the teaching goals into their every day life.

Third, there is an immediate and a long term impact. I've explored this in relation to exasperation or provocation.

People often read Ephesians 6:4 and think of the "right now" implications. They back the child into a situation where it is a "lose-lose" scenario. The parents may not intend for this to happen, but the child feels this way just the same. The child feels "exasperated." Most parents have put their children in this position at some time. In our family I've done it. I've apologized to my kids and tried to be a better parent. The kids have turned out pretty good.

The long term exasperation is what we see coming out in our culture. We see it in many different ways. Exasperation may be a large contributor to societal problems like narcissism, addictive behavior and suicide. Here are a few long term impacts where we see exasperation lingering and continuing.

Long term impact #1 - Hurtful words and ideas can follow a person throughout their life. It's not enough that they felt provoked by their parents when they were growing up, but when they feel backed into a corner their memory replays the negatives. "You're so stupid." "You never get it right." The parents may no longer be living but the provocation continues. Fortunately, this can be put to an end, but it's not always easy to put the exasperation to rest and move on. People need help.

Long term impact #2 - The exasperation used by parents on their children becomes the model that those children use on their children. Grandpa used provocation. Dad used provocation. Now, here I am using provocation on my son. The exasperation model is learned and repeated. Some would call it a generational curse. Thank God, this is a curse that is not too difficult to break. Recognize a faulty parenting model for what it is and start dealing with it. Don't make excuses and create a new, positive model that will be perpetuated from now on.

Long term impact #3 - This is the most subtle form of long term exasperation. It is rooted in what we fail to teach our children and how they feel about it in their adult life. An adult faces continual, repeated feelings of exasperation when they keep falling into the same pitfalls of life over and over again. Maybe its financial distress based in lack of training concerning money management. The parent didn't equip their child to face that area of life challenge and the adult child is stuck in a cycle of financial exasperation. This can be corrected by learning things in adult life that we should have learned as children. Better late than never. The happiest adults don't have as much of this type of exasperation in their lives. It's one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.

For those raising kids right now the importance of training and instruction in the Lord can not be overstated. God's word is the best life instruction, life preparation manual available. Connect that with a regenerated life through relationship with Jesus Christ and the continual guidance and direction of the Holy Spirit and you've got the makings of successful child rearing.

If your parents didn't do that and you're struggling with life issues just go back and get the right foundation in place under your life. Come to God through Jesus Christ, having your sins forgiven and receiving new life. Make God's Word, the Bible, a consistent part of your life. Seek God's guidance daily in prayer and be open to the direction of the Holy Spirit. Let God untangle and heal the messes and hurts of your life. Keep moving forward. Pass on a new legacy to the next generation.